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The first few posts felt strange. I felt like I was acting or putting on a persona that wasn’t me. I didn’t want to reveal too much of my personality; I wanted to have control over something at a time where I felt like I had lost control of everything else in my life. I was determined to maintain some boundaries. Some followers would ask about my real name, my background, wanting to know more about the person behind the screen. I had to carefully decide what parts of myself to share. The irony wasn’t lost on me – in trying to be authentic and open on OnlyFans, I had to keep certain parts of myself hidden. These boundaries kept shifting as I became more comfortable with this new chapter of my life. And as my income from OnlyFans grew, those boundaries shifted even faster.
My life became a battle between the person I was taught to be and the person I was choosing to become. I grew up in a place where secrecy and intimacy go hand in hand. As a queer person in Syria and Saudi Arabia, I had learned to hide to protect myself. Meeting guys for a date was not something I advertised in my old life. Back in the Middle East, when I met guys for dates, I lied to my high-school friends about having a girlfriend and I lied to my family that I was with my high school friends. Fear of being discovered, or outed on terms that were not my own, was ingrained in me. I had built a world of lies to protect myself and everyone around me from my sexuality.
But what used to protect me no longer worked in Canada. I had always thought that if I were to leave the Middle East to live my true authentic self, I would still live in the shadows. Yet if I wanted to survive and make a living in Canada, I needed to do the opposite. I had to blow my own cover to show off my sexuality and make a living. Recording myself felt like stripping away years of a carefully constructed facade. Here I was, stepping out deliberately into the light. A light that continued to shine on me even when the cameras were off.
- Zeid Al Nasr from “This Arab is Queer”